The Shaffer Journal
Volume 5 Issue 8 August 1999
[Internet Stuff] [Hockey Puck] [Guest Meows! Cat Chat 1 2 3 4]
[The Mountains of Ao] [Poetry Corner] [The Dull Stuff] [Guest Articles] [In The Park]

Kitty Talk
These journals are dedicated to Kitty GreyCat's spirit. She is at RainBow Bridge now. We all loved you, Kitty! Click the cat graphic to visit her Memorial page. Kitty born June 6, 1982. Died July 9, 1997.

I am Abraxas but use call me Abby! Otay? We gots regular every month stuffers and some guest fings from people who are very nice ub course. Hare now is all birfdays, anniversaries, and holidazes: Our very own human bean retired from US Navy September 1, 1995, we all moved here in 1997 on first also, Labor Day September 6, Grandma M. & Alfie C. birfdays are September 10, Grandparent's Day 12, Tim S. 15, Mark S. 18, Becky C. 19.

Diss is Ebony and catnip make me very happy. I love to sniff it smelling sew good. I like to eat it, tasting even better. I enjoy wollering in it cause it feels so good. I once roll in it and roll right off the bench onto the floor. The human bean belly laughed. But I feel really good. I chase Abby when she usually chases me. Abby not immune from nip either. She rubbing her face where dee catnip box were and dat some strange, I mew. Den we chases each other lots just for the heck of it. Catnip fun is dee bestest.

Me and Abby scared ub lightning and thunder boomers. We try to get close to bean causing he safe and warm and pets us. He talk gentle to us too.

Abby says dat Ebony is stranger dan dee human bean! Now dragonfries are really cat interesting. Day hab big wings and eyeballies dat look amazing, day do. Dragonfries got no brains doe. Day just flit and fry ebery which way. It makes dem hard to catch too.

I Abby meow to bean to git camera quick causing Ebony seeping funny on dee couch. She was sitting up like a real human bean fast asleep. But dat human bean hab no film in hisn camera. Rats, I say!

Me Abby also berry talented. I help unpack grocery stuffers. Ebery empty bag gits inspected by me. I sample the new cat food, snacks, and beef treats. Only complaints I gots is dat bean made bubble wif plastic and popped it at me when curiosity made me git really close. It scare me and I run run run far away, at least three feet anywhooter.

Me and Ebony not wike dat dust mop monster causing it all yellow hair dat dirty and it chases us ebery which way. I Abby fink human bean being bitten by dust mop handle too. Well, dat all dee meows and cat stories we hab diss time.

Internet Stuff
What's new on our webs? We finally got the bookstore and publisher section posted on www.RunesofAo.com. We still need to finish up the franchise owners, partners, and proofreaders sections though. The cats and my sections need added as well. The bookstore and publisher section is called AlphaOmega Bookstore & Publisher [AOB&P] which is a combo of NetPublishers www.digital3.net/NetPublishers/ and the old but updated AlphaOmega BookStore www.geocities.com/maniac77.geo websites. The old Runes of Ao site at www.geocities.com/les_novelist is being streamlined. FrontPage 2000 is making that job so much easier. Ebony and Abby sites www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Glade/8420 and www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Breakers/5493 need updating soon. Since we got FrontPage 2000 which is used to create and maintain websites, we did the tutorial which is making a millennium web. We added things to it like a fireworks display at URLs www.geocities.com/Heartland/Grove/7588 and www.geocities.com/Athens/Pantheon/4098. We enjoyed the tutorial and learned a lot as well.

One way to get all the stuff to make websites display properly on the Internet is called FTP or file transfer protocol. GeoCities has FTP, but we were having a devil of a time getting it to work properly until we learned that you need a "/" character on the end of ftp://ftp.geocities.com/! We also learned a neat trick by putting our username and password in the proper spot like this example: ftp://username:password@ftp.geocities.com/ Not all web hosts have FTP capabilities that allow this.

Guest Articles
Lisaviolet is a dear friend of ours, and she gave us permission to publish a few tidbits about her large collection of cats. Here is Lisaviolet: An update on our household. In January, we rescued the sweetest little female, blue eyes and black mask. Ciara (keera). Ciara had a problem breathing and couldn't be spayed right away and boy, was she awful when she went into heat, which was five minutes after she moved into our home. After two and a half months (one month on interferon) she could breathe well enough to be spayed. But her breathing still was bad. Tuesday, July 27, concerned (heck, she's been to the vet at least twice a month since we got her), back to the vet we go. He looks in her mouth, what's this? A swollen soft palate? He kept her and operated on her. She had one of the biggest polyps growing between her nose and soft palate than he had ever seen. I got to see it, it was as big as the top joint of my thumb. On a six pound cat. She's resting comfortably, I think the amount of oxygen she's getting is a big shock to her system. She's resting a lot. www.lisaviolet.com/cathouse/ciara.html

In March, we rescued another cat, a long haired male. Vet put his age at between 8 and 10 years, a battle scarred veteran cat, friendly and unneutered. We had him fixed, bathed, shaved, teeth and ears checked out. Forty five days to the day we brought him home, I took him to the doctor because his breathing seemed extremely labored. The vet found fluid on his lungs and when he was tapping Blackie's chest (Blackie was sedated), Blackie's heart stopped. We lost him. The fluid was blood. The vet thinks that Blackie had a fibrosarcoma. Blackie came to us as a hospice, I guess. His final days were good ones, we couldn't have treated him better had we known. www.lisaviolet.com/cathouse/blackie.html

Then, on June 26th, our oldest kitty, Bobby (18), was peeing blood. After almost a month in and out of the vet, with one thing after another breaking down, I made the decision to say goodbye. The vet examined him to make sure that it was a good idea (never, really, a *good* idea, but it was the best thing for Bobby), and after looking Bob over and mentioning the jaundiced look he now had, most likely the liver had stopped functioning, that euthanasia was indeed the best thing for Bobby. Bobby had lost two pounds in less than a month, he was a little over five pounds now. I said goodbye. www.lisaviolet.com/cathouse/bobby.html
© 1999 Lisaviolet

Anita Wilson contributed some cat stories and poetry. Here is one from her cat James about food: My name is James and I am a star with an empty food dish. I do not think I want to be a star anymore. My boss put me on a thing called scales the other day, to weigh me. It has to do with something called worms. My boss opens my mouth and puts bad stuff inside me. My boss used to give me things called tablets and I thought I was very smart. I used to spit them out when my boss wasn't looking. I think my boss is getting smarter, I get wet stuff now, that I cannot spit out. Life is not easy for a cat. After my boss had put me on the thing called scales, she told me I was eating too much. I do not understand that, I only eat when I am hungry all day. My life is very hard now. My food bowl is empty most of the day. My boss only fills it at night. I have tried for days to sit in front of her, looking really sad, but I don't think I look sad enuff. My boss steps over me and has given me a new name. Fatso? Jennah told me peoples stars change their name. I didn't think cat stars did. I hope my boss forgets I am a star and calls me James again. I have just had a smart thought. Chang, you want to be a star? You can have my food bowl! No, I really do not mind taking your food bowl. Chang is a star! (But James isn't hungry anymore. :)

Chang. In trouble.
My name is Chang, a Burmese gentleman, who used to be a Security Watch Cat at a Marina, now retired, but not a star any more. I do not know how it happened, but somehow, in a much-undeserved manner, I have gotten myself in a spot of bother with the boss. Now I am sitting here on the bridge and contemplating where it all went wrong. It all happened when it was our weigh in day this week. That happens when the boss gives us the medicine for the unmentionable. All right James you do not have to yell Fleas!

(As I have mentioned before, that cat has no breeding.) To continue the story when the boss had weighed us, she was very surprised at James weight. I distinctly heard her say, that “Fatso” was getting fatter. I knew that was James’s star name but he was not a star anymore, I was! I will admit I was sitting there a bit bewildered, next to James food bowl, but there was no need for the boss to call me a bad old boy! Me, a Burmese gentleman! James got called a conniving old cat! That made me feel a bit better. What has not been satisfactorily explained to me is what James connived at. I enquired from James but he just grins at me and refuses to answer.

The boss took my stardom and both our food bowls away, saying we could not be trusted. Now I am hungry too. Me, a Burmese gentleman on a diet! That it should come to that in my retirement. So now I am sitting here on the bridge, trying not to think of the empty spot where food should be, gazing at the fish. FISH! No this is not my home at the Marina, where I had the position of Security Watch Cat. I think it would be better to lower my standards and look sadly at the boss… I see the boss! No time any more, busy practicing looking sad in a dignified manner.

In The Park
I finally got to see Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Episode One. From the reviews I had expected to be disappointed, but the whole movie was quite well done. The acting was fine. It was not deep, but it was realistic. The special effects were, of course, just fantastic. The storyline fit the other three episodes very well. Overall, the movie was impressive and very entertaining. Seeing the movie at the Marathon Theater was nice as well. The place gives the whole experience a small-town flavor right here in paradise. Now that is not easy even here.

I took a friend to Panchos restaurant recently and was pleasantly surprised. The Mexican dishes are very tasty and Americanized. In other words, the food tastes like what you expect, better than Taco Bell though. The service was excellent, and the atmosphere enjoyable. The cost was not too bad either.

I have been thinking about moving to lot 8. That is the one by the quay wall just before it jaunts east. This lot has a fantastic view, is off by itself, and most likely the best place in the park. Yet rust and weather could impact those pluses. My truck fuel tank needed replaced because of rust and BellSouth wants $40 to just transfer the phone. I haven't made up my mind yet. Maybe I should try for six months.

Star Trek predicted many things either by design or accident. In a recent AP article scientists have built microscopic switches out of molecules. Electronics is nothing but switches. Computers and things like that is no more than electronics. The possibility of nanobots now becomes true. In a few years these microscopic robots can repair anything in the body anywhere. Science Fiction almost always becomes science fact eventually, but the process is happening even faster now. Dreams do come true!

My computer is protected from loss of power and lightning by a unit called an uninterruptible power supply. The unit has a powerful battery in it. When the battery goes bad, you have to replace it. After I figured out that was the problem, I went online and ordered the part. In three days the new battery was here. I replaced the old one and sent it back to be recycled. How is that for progress?

Hockey Puck
Pavel Bure is ready to start his season with the Florida Panthers. If his injuries have healed sufficiently and luck is on their side, the Panthers have a very good chance to do well this season. The new arena will be the host to some intense hockey play. The Tampa Bay Lightning has made some deals and seems to be on the road to recovery. So hockey in Florida seems to be looking up. Of course, the beginning of any season brings tons of hope and optimism. The end of the season is the true test!

Guest Meows!
This is Larry for Ariel. She and her two cats, Harry and Emily, gave us some wonderful Cat Chat articles this month. We are gratified that we can offer this regular article about some wonderful cats and their human bean with visits by a dragon! Please visit the Memorial Page for Ariel's mother. Click the cat wagging its tail graphic to visit their net home. Thank you. Now here is Harry and Emily with Cat Chat:

Cat Chat 7-7-99
Fiery Crackums

Emily: Dar were lots of sceery citiment round her dis weekend! Dar was all dis boomin an flashin lite things and whistle screamy things dat was so loud day hurt my ears!

Harry: As if we don't have enuff booming and litening flashing round here! It's been thunder boomer raining every day. That's sceery stuffers, that thunder booming!

Emily: Oh, Harry, yous jus a coward doggie! Dat litening and thunder boomer stuffers don't hurt nothin! Not eben ifn we're outside, cause we can gets under da trailer.

Harry: I'd rather get under the couch!

Emily: Sceerdy doogie! Heehee!

Harry: Am not. I'm just being sensible. You never know what those loud noises might do. It's safe under the couch.

Chester: What makes you think it's safe under the couch?

Harry: I just nose, that's all. Sides, it always has been. Nothin's ever hurt me there!

Chester: You don't have to be scared, Harry. Thunder and lightening aren't going to hurt you as long as you're inside the house or under the trailer.

Harry: I'd rather be safe. Better safe then sorry, I always say.

Emily: If that's what you always say, how come yous always leab your tail lying out so as it can be stepped on?

Harry: That's different. I'm the king of the house. Beans oughts to nose to walk round me outum respect.

Chester: Hahaha!! That will be the day! You'd think after eighteen years you'd learn that humans don't always notice your tail. Or see you the dark either. You know you're black, you know. I here Mom cussing all the time from stumbling over you in the dark.

Harry: I nose! It's mean too! She oughta nose I'm there!

Chester: Humans can't see in the dark.

Harry: She still oughta nose. I been trying to train her for all these years, and she haven't figured it out yet.

Emily: I neber get stepped on or stumbled ober!

Harry: That's cause you're so fat no one could possibly miss seeing you!

Emily: Are not!

Harry: Are too!

Chester: I thought we were going to talk about all the booming and whistling and lights in the sky this weekend! What was that all about, anyway?

Harry: Oh, right! That was turrible sceery. There was all kinds of popping and cracking and horrible loud noises. The beans, they do it twicet a year. I don't know why.

Chester: Twice a year? I don't remember it happening before.

Emily: Well, da other time they do it is in da wintertime when it's all cold and snowy and stuff, so I guess they don't stay out and play wid dar loud nasty toys as long.

Chester: Toys? Those awful noises were toys?

Harry: Yep! They're a thing called fiery crackems. Beans lites them with a lighter, like what Mom uses for her smelly smoke sticks, and then they go boom and crack and sometime they go way up in the air and make sceery bright loud lites!

Emily: Yes, day be turrible, turrible tings, day are. I thinks beans play wid deem jus to be mean to us kitties.

Harry: The worst part was this year Mom wasn't home when da neighbor beans started playing.

Emily: An we was stuck outside!

Harry: But she did come home purrty soon, and let us in an talked to us all sweet and petted us and gave us good stuffers to eat. She knowed we were sceered.

Emily: Yeah, she were really nice bout dat. She took special good care ub us dat night.

Chester: At least Mom doesn't play with those fiery crackums.

Harry: Well, she used to, when I was little and the un-husband was still around. They played with them lots and lots. But she always made sure all us kitties were inside before they started playing.

Emily: She did?? Why would she play wid dem sceery nasty tinmgs? And why don't she do it no more? Not dat I minds dat part!

Harry: Oh, I think it was an un-husband thing. See, the thing that the un-husband did best was to spend money that should have been fur good yummy stuff fur us on things that weren't worth nothing atall. Mom even said he spent money they didn't have. I don't nose much bout money, but I don't nose how he coulda spent money they didn't have.

Chester: I think it's called having a credit card. Humans have these little pieces of plastic, and they use them to buy things without any money.

Harry: Oh, yeah, Mom was always complaining bout the credit card bills. I member that now.

Emily: What did da un-husband buy dat was so not worth nothin?

Harry: Well, he bought music that was even louder than those fiery crackem things, and these big pensive shoes called sneakers that went squeak squeak all over the floor...

Emily: Squeak squeak like mousies?

Harry: Worse than that! They was all clumpy things and made loud icky squeaks. And he bought lots and lots of that smelly beer stuff that he always drunk. Then Mom would get mad and cry and stuff.

Chester: He doesn't sound like a very nice human to have around.

Harry: Well, I never liked him. Peanut did, but Peanut was always a little crazy. But anyway Mom got to where she didn't like him either, not atall, so then he became the un-husband and wasn't round no more.

Emily: An dat's when Mom stopped playing wid dem nasty fiery crackems?

Harry: Yes, that's it. Well, really she stopped before the un-husband lefteded, actually.

Emily: Well, good. Dat means she won't play wid dem no more, I bets. Cause I nose how much she don't like da un-husband. An she neber played wid any noisy fiery crackems when girlfriend bean was around.

Harry: Yes, I think we're safe from Mom playing with fiery crackums. Now ifn we could just get everyone else round here to stop playing with them, we would have to have sceery night like this weekend we did.

Chester: Maybe they all just need to get rid of their un-husbands. And get some nice humans to be around, like that new boyfriend bean. He's not noisy or mean at all.

Emily: Yeah, an he don't drunk dat smelly beer stuff, nor smoke dem nasty smoke sticks like girlfriend bean did so much. I like him lots. He pets me real sweet, an have a nice big lap to snuggle on.

Harry: Yeah, he's a pretty nice bean. Maybe he'll sat round.

Chester: I hope so. He seems to make Mom real happy, and when she's happy we get extra chocolate!

Emily: Silly dragon! You gets eggstra cholates. We gets kitty treats. Heehee!

Chester: Well, whatever. So anyway, we don't have to worry about any fiery crackums for a while, right?

Harry: Not til wintertime cold. And that's a long long time away. All we have to worry bout is da thunder boomers. That's quiet enuff, I meow.

Emily: Dat and da vacuum monster. But da weather be so nice, I don't mind dat eider, since I jus go out. So we's gonna be safe from alla noisy tings fur long an long. Dat be nice. I likes peaceful-likeness in our house.

Harry: Me too. I think maybe we'll have a nice quiet summer from now on.

Cat Chat 7-14-99
 [7-7-99 is at the bottom of the previous column. Click "Guest Meows!" link above to get there quickly.]
Chester's New Pitchur

Harry: Well, there hasn't been anything happnin round here but rain, rain and more rain! I'm sick of being wet!

Emily: Me too, an I don't eben mind gettin wet a little! It hab bin a turrble borin week. Eben da mousies an moleses stayed in dar holes cause ub da rain. Dar weren't no fun no where.

Chester: But there's been some interesting things happening inside the house!

Emily: (Yawn) Like what?

Chester: Well, for one thing, Mom got a new picture of me! I really like it. It shows how I guard the computer!

Emily: Oh, yeah, I forgot bout dat! It do be a good pitchur ub yous...

Harry: Even tho it looks like you're half catnapping stead of guarding! Heehee!

Emily: He can't cat nap, silly. He's dragon napping!! Mweheehee!

Chester: I'm not doing either one! My eyes are open in the picture!

Harry: Yeah, just barely!

Chester: Humph! I'm carefully guarding the computer! You can see that very well! You cats are being mean. I like my new picture.

Harry: Oh, Chester, we're just teasing you. It is a good pitchur of you.

Chester: You know why she made the new picture of me, don't you?

Emily: Cause she were tired of dat sketch she made ub you?

Harry: No, Em! Well, yes, that too, but she's getting all ready for us to be on the Area51 CL Pets Page. You nose, the page run by Pasha's bean.

Emily: Oh, ub course! I member now! It will be fun to hab our bio-graphities and pitchurs on dat site wid Abby an Ebony an Ren an Pasha!

Harry: There are other pets there too, only we haven't met then yet.

Emily: Wasn't dar somebean portant in Area51 what was sayin dat da site were not science-fictiony nuff?

Chester: Yes, that was Unicus. He said that pets didn't belong in Area51, because we don't fit the theme!

Harry: That's silly! What could be more science fictiony than cats that have their own columns, like us? Or their own websites, like Abby and Ebony?

Chester: Not to mention having a pet magic dragon on the site! Not many humans have pet dragons, you know.

Emily: Oooo, yes, Pasha's Jakrinda be real cited bout dat! She and Ebony and Abby's bean all tink dat habing a pet dragon on da site will makes Unicus more happy-like.

Harry: So, when do you think our stuff will be up on the site?

Chester: Mom said she just had to write our bios, then Pasha's human will have us up in three or four days.

Emily: Dat will be so fun, to be ona site wid all our furrfriends.

Harry: Chester, you said for one thing bout the pitchur of you. What else has been happening round here? I've been busy catnapping all over the house, and haven't been paying much tention to what else is been goin on.

Chester: You old lazy bones! You were right here in the living room when Mom was working on it!

Harry: Working on what?

 Chester: The story she and Abby and Ebony's human Larry are going to write together. See, first she read the story that Larry wrote with one of his other mentorees...

Emily: Mentorees?? What's dat?

Chester: That's, well, see, the human Larry, he helps other writers learn how to write, and one of the ways he does it is to write stories with them. That is what mentoring is.

Harry: So what's so citing bout that? Mom is writing alla time!

Chester: But this is a story about dragons! That's what makes it so special. See, there was this original story called "To Fly...To Be...To Love" on Larry's website. It was all about this mean mean human lady person, who wanted to kill all the last of the dragons. She was mad because a dragon had betrayed her hundreds of years before in one of her past lives...

Emily: I didn't nose beans membered dar past lives.

Harry: I didn't either. Mom never says notin bout that.

Chester: I don't know if humans always remember their past lives, but I saw one human called Shirley MacLaine on T.V. who says she remembers them all.

Emily: Hmm...well, ok, so what happened to da dragons in da story?

Chester: Oh, this is the really neat part! Because you see, when the mean mean lady human got to the planet where the dragons were, she turned into a dragon herself! See, she was really a dragon in her past life!

Emily: Really?? Beans can be dragons?

Chester: Well, it happened in the story.

Harry: So, now, what's this have to do with Mom again?

Chester: Mom is going to write the next part with Larry. She's gonna be the mean lady that turned into a dragon. Only after the mean lady turned into a dragon, she was happy because she could fly, so maybe she won't be mean anymore.

Emily: So, she hab to write bout how dragons tink and stuffers like dat?

Harry: Of course she does ifn she's gonna write her part of the story!

Emily: Well, dat oughta be easy fur Mom, since she hab Chester here to hep her bout how dragons tink.

Chester: I know! That's why it's so exciting! That means I get to help Mom even more! I have a new job!

Emily: Good fur yous, Chester. (Yawn). Ifn Mom decide to write a story bout cats, wake me up. All dis rain be makin me sleepy.

Harry: Me too. And I just can't get too cited bout Mom writing a dragon story. Wake me up when it's time to write next week's column.

Chester: Heehee! You two are the laziest cats in the world!

Harry: Are not! We're just saving our energy, like all cats do. Now let us sleep.

Chester: Ok, I'm going to read that story again and see if I can think of any pointers to give to Mom.

Emily (to Harry): I bet he fall sleep fur he finish da foist paragraph!

Harry: I bet so too. We gotta try to get a picture of dat. After we wake up...

Cat Chat 7-21-99
Mom's Losing Da War Wid Da Ants

Harry: Mom's War With The Ants isn't going well atall. No matter what she does, the nasty little things keep on coming back.

Emily: Yeah, she's sprayed three more times, an put down deese trap tings too, but it don't do no good. We still hab ants all ober da kitchen, tho Mom says she still has kept dem out of da pantry.

Chester: I read the box that the last traps came in. It said it killed the queen and the whole colony!

Emily: But, but, I be da Queen ub da house!

Harry: Chester is talking bout the ant queen, silly. There must be lots of ant queens, or else the beans what make the traps are lying to Mom bout what they's sposed to do.

Chester: That may be. Mom says it would be a cold day in Heck before the things actually work! I don't know where Heck is, but I think she means it's something that just isn't going to happen.

Harry: You got that right, Chester! The traps never work but fur a day or two. Mom is really mad bout all them ants always coming in and not going away. She says she wishes they'd just stay out in the yard where they belong!

Emily: It could be woise! Dar could be moleses comin in from da yard!

Harry: If there were moleses coming in from the yard there still wouldn't be any moleses in the house. No live ones, anyways, cause we'd eat them!

Emily: Heehee!! Dat's true, fur sure! Anyways, me and Harry, we both think Mom's War Wid Da Ants be a silly ting. Day's jus little bitty ants. And day taste good, too.

Chester: You might think so, but Mom and I don't like ants in our food. They're yucky. And dirty too, Mom says.

Harry: Well, but it's still silly, cause Mom won't never get rid of all the ants. She's fighting, like they says, a losing battle. And I'm tired of smelling the ant spray.

Chester: Maybe the ants are immune to the spray. I read about that happening.

Emily: You sure does reads a lot, Chester. You must be on dis puter all night after we all go to sleep.

Chester: Well, not all night. But I do like to surf the web and find out things.

Harry: I thought you were sposed to be guarding the puter, not using it. Sides, I bet Mom would like it better if you would help her do her work instead.

Chester: Using and guarding can be accomplished at the same time. Anyway, I help Mom. I type this column for her.

Emily: Well, anyways, we did somethin. We wrote a pome bout Mom's War Wid Da Ants fur dis week's column!

Chester: You did? What do you cats know about writing poems?

Emily: We nose day's sposed to rhyme! It's a good pome, I meow. Isn't it, Harry?

Harry: Yes it is. A furry good pome, I meow.

Chester: Ok, go ahead and do your poem, then. We might as well get it over with.

Emily: You'll like it, you'll see! We calls it "Mom's War Wid Da Ants."

Chester: How original (sigh)

Harry: It is original! We wrote it! Here's how it goes. Mom's War With The Ants is the silliest thing...

Emily: Almost as silly as when Harry sings! Heehee!

Harry: Hey, that wasn't sposed to be the next line!

Emily: Well it rhymes, and I like it!

Chester: I do too. Hahaha!

Harry: Humph. Well, where were we? Oh yeah. She puts down these traps, and she sprays nasty stuff,

Emily: But nothin she do be eber enuff. Cause da ants keep on comin, most ebery day,

Harry: And none of her fighting will keep them away. For the ants to come into the house is quite rude,

Emily: An we nose dat Mom hates to hab ants in her food! Harry: She squishes them here and she squishes them there, But still them mean ants run around everywhere.

Emily: I don't unerstand what be da big deal. A few ants be tasty when had wid a meal!

Harry: But Mom doesn't think so, and battles away, Squishing and spraying them day after day.

Emily: Mom knows dat da War Wid Da Ants she won't win, But she neber gib up an she battle again.

Harry: One thing fur sure, Mom sure be no quitter, And so we cats wait til it comes to be winter...

Chester: That doesn't rhyme!

Harry: It rhymes enuff!

Emily: You tell him, Harry! So! Um...oh! When da sprayin all stops an dar be no more War,

Harry: And there aren't any ants running round on the floor.

Emily: See? It is a furry good pome, isn't it?

Chester: Hahahaheehee!!! Yes, it is pretty good. At least, it's funny. It even mostly rhymes!

Emily: See Harry? I tol you he'd like it!

Harry: Well, of course! How could anyone not like it? We wrote it after all!

Chester: Maybe Mom will win the War With The Ants this year. I heard her talking about getting an sterminater.

Harry: She talks bout dat every year, but never does it. But maybe she will win...

Emily: We can only hopes! I'd be furry glad to hab Mom not mad bout da ants no more.

Harry: Me too. Hey, Chester, I thought you were going to surf the web and find out some way to get rid of them.

Chester: Um...I forgot. I'll look tonight.

Emily: You do dat. Me, I'm gonna go see ifn dar be any ants in my food bowl fore day all be gone! Yum!

Cat Chat 7-28-99
Bean Childrens

Harry: Well, Mom went off and left us again, but it wasn't too bad. She was only gone one night, and grandpa bean couldn't get us to come in, so we got to stay outside all all night!

Emily: Yeah! Dat were fun. It be so nice an cool outside at night, and the mousies likes to come out cause they thinks they is safe. Heehee! Not from me, tho!

Harry: Anyways, Mom told us all bout her trip, so we thought we'd tell all of you kitties and beans bout it. See, she went to visit these friends of hers that had just had three grandbabies...

Chester: Well, actually, her friend's daughter and daughter-in-law had the babies...

Emily: What do dat matter? Da point be dat Mom went to bisit wid her friends, cause day lib in Canada, which is far far away, and day had come to Tennessee to see their new grandbabies. Tennessee is far far away too, but not so far as Canada. Where is Canada, anyways?

Chester: It's way up north. It's so far away it's another country!

Emily: Really? Wow! An I tought Florida were far away!

Harry: Well, the point is, Mom went off and took this long drive. She drove fur four whole hours! She said it was a real pretty drive, but she was tired when she got there.

Emily: Yeah, she were hoping she could take a nap, like she do alla time in da afternoon. But when she got dar, she was only dar jus a few minutes an here come da family wid one ub da new babies.

Harry: And it wasn't just the baby either! It was the mother and the father and two other childrens! An they were all noisy as all get out!

Emily: Well, not all ub dem. Da mother, she were pooped an didn't say much atall. But the father, he were sorta like a big kid. Mom say lots ub men is like dat.

Harry: So anyways, Mom didn't get her nap. At least, not at first. But then da father, he took da older two childrens to da pool, and da mother, she lied down with the baby. Mom said the baby was real cute, as babies go, and hadn't learned how to do that baby screechy cry yet, so it wasn't too bad. Even tho Mom doesn't really like babies. That's why she always has cats, cause us kitties are much more better than childrens, specially babies. Mom says babies are too noisy and smell bad.

Emily: Sides, she'd neber eber held a baby dat tiny and new before, an her friends, they just put the baby right in her arms. She said it were sceery, cause she were afraid she would break it!

Chester: Most women seem to like babies and know all about them. I guess Mom is weird because she doesn't like them.

Harry: Mom isn't weird! At least, not any weirder than any other bean! She's just a cat Mom!

Emily: An a dragon Mom too, don't furget!

Harry: Yeah! That's right! Sides, we don't like children either! They are noisy and sceery things. I always run and hide when one of Mom's friends come over with a children, cause they chase us and stuffers like that!

Emily: Well, Mom said that only little childrens are like that. See, there was this one childrens, he was only three, which is an adult fur a kitty but jus a little children fur a bean. An he were all noisy and rambunctuoius-like. Mom said his name were "Do-It-Again" cause ebery time she do something the childrens thought was fun he'd say "Do-It-Again!" Heehee!

Harry: Yeah, Mom said that little boy bean bout wored her slap out! But the other childrens, she was older and furry nice and sweet. Mom said she were a well-brought up childrens, and furry well-behaved.

Emily: I didn't nose dar were eber such a thing as a well-behaved childrens before!

Harry: Well, actually, I member when I was a young kitty, we lived in a house with the un-husband and two other beans and two dogs and lots of cats, and there was a childrens there who was furry nice. She petted us and brushed us and wasn't noisy or mean or nothing. She was just like a regular bean, only smaller. I didn't spend much time with her, cause I always owned Mom, but some of the other cats liked her furry much. Peanut Butter and Boo both liked her lots, and so did Munchkin. Munchkin and Boo, they owned her. Peanut Butter, he just liked almost anyone. But she was nice, so there is such a thing as a nice well-behaved childrens. I bet this girl bean would be just as nice to us as that one I growed up with, ifn she came here.

Emily: I'd rather not find out! Da childrens I seen is only good fur staying away from!

Harry: That's cause the friends Mom has that have childrens have little childrens. Little childrens are worse that slobbery doggies, cause at least doggies will run when you hissspit at them. Little childrens don't have that much sense! But Mom, she always seem to have fun with her friends little childrens, so long as they aren't round fur long. She says childrens are best when they are someone else's! Heehee!

Emily: Dat's fur sure!

Harry: Well, anyways, finally the childrens and their mom went home. The father, he'd gone to work earlier. And so Mom got to spend some time with her friends, and got to rest too. She said she had a real nice visit with her friends. So then the next morning, her friends let Mom sleep til almost ten thirty! Mom had meant to get up way before then!

Emily: Da problem were she didn't hab me to walk up on her chest and wake her up. Not dat I would wanna go dribing all ober da place to be near no childrens!

Harry: Me either!

Chester: Well, I wouldn't have minded the drive, but I think I would have stayed in the car until the little children left. They aren't anymore gentle with dragons than they are with cats! But, after all, my place is here guarding the computer...

Harry: Which Mom turned off at the power supply thingy so we couldn't even write to our friends Ebony and Abby!

Chester: She just wanted to make sure it didn't get hurt by lightening. But I wish she'd left it on so I could use it!

Emily: So tell bout da way home, Harry!

Harry: Oh, yeah! On the way home, Mom said there were like thirty signs to this place called Gatlinburg. It's a big touristy place over in Tennessee. And there were these signs all along the road, at least a mile high every one of them, with country-western music stars on them wanting beans to come to their places in Gatlinburg and spend their money.

Emily: But the funniest thing that Mom saw were a sign that said "Fastest Scenic Route To Gatlinburg!" She though that was jus plain silly, cause the words "fastest" and "scenic route" they don't go togeder atall! Mom say it be an oxy-moronic!

Chester: The word's "oxymoron." It means two words that are together but mean opposite things. Like "jumbo shrimp," because "shrimp" means small and "jumbo" means huge.

Harry: Or "honest lawyer." Mom says there's no such thing as that. She's telling and reading jokes in her forum what she visits bout lawyers alla time!

Emily: Well, isn't "well-behaved childrens" an oxy-moronic?

Harry: Mweeheehee! Well it can be, sometime, depending on the children and how old and mature-like it is. But it's still not so oxy-moronic as "fastest scenic route!"

Chester: It sounds like Mom enjoyed her trip, even if she didn't get her nap that first day. And what was the best was she came right back! I thought for sure she was going to be gone for days like before.

Harry: Me too. I'm sure glad she wasn't. I hate it when Mom is gone.

Emily: Me three! Maybe we should hide her car keys so as she can't go no where no more.

Harry: That's a good idea. Cept she has to be able to go get us cat food sometime...

Emily: Well, den, we can gib dem back only ifn she promise that all she's doing is going to the store fur us!

Harry: I like that idea. Chester, can you get on the table and get them?

Chester: They're too heavy for me to lift.

Harry: Hmm. OK, Em, you and me, we'll jump up on the table and drag them down, then hide them real good.

Emily: OK! That sounds like fun. Um...you don't think Mom will be mad, do you?

Harry: Why would she be mad? We's only doing it cause we love her!

Chester: Just to be safe, I'm going to sit here on the computer and say I don't know anything about what you two are doing!

Emily: Sceerdy dragon! Heehee! Let's go, Harry. I think we can get dem under da bed...

Cat Chat is © 1999 - 2008, 2009 Ariel, Emily, Harry, and Chester the Dragon. All rights reserved. This column may not be reprinted in part or whole without permission from Ariel

The Mountains of Ao
Tears from Ao and two poetry collections, Pages of Life and Visions of Life, are available electronically at http://RunesofAo.com/aobp/. The Runes of Ao project, the novel The Mountains of Ao [editing chapter 11 and starting chapter 12 of 22,] and a new poetry collection titled Moments of Life are in progress.

The Dull Stuff
The online journal contains extra content. The printed version is limited to three pages to keep printing costs down. Inputs and letters to this journal are subject to approval by Ebony and Abby. Submittals may be edited for content and become the property of:

Shaffer Novels/Poetry Company
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PO Box 501833
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Internet URLs: http://RunesofAo.com
http://RunesofAo.com/aobp/
http://RunesofAo.com/ebony/
http://RunesofAo.com/abby/

Publication date: August 26, 1999
Author: L. E. Shaffer
Company: Shaffer Novels/Poetry Company &
Shaffer Internet Publishing Company
© 1995 - 2008, 2009 L. E. SHAFFER
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED WORLDWIDE
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
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